Monthly Archives: December 2016

Opening Up About Relationship Status. 

Arlene Ayirah 

Alright, you are now dating and well, you probably are having one of the best times in your life.  Whom do you tell that you are dating. Ladies more often fall into the category or telling anyone who cares to listen. Many times guys prefer to just keep the information to themselves. 

It’s important to note that not everyone we hang out with should know everything about us. A good friend of mine Charles Arnold taught me about friendship and he says there are people in 3 main categories. He talks of comrades who are more like acquaintances. They know you and you know them. Second we have the             Constituents who are there because of what you do.Most times you have the same abilities and you are in the same line of calling so they are around for what they can get from you to grow their purpose. Lastly we have the Confidants who are with you for who you are.They want to be part of your vision as it unfolds by investing in you.

First of all you must understand that the moment you tell someone about your relationship it becomes vulnerable to attack. Sometimes not everyone is happy for you and they may begin to do and say things that may jeopardize your relationship.  It may seem like a harmless “I think you deserve better” Therefore from the three categories of people in your life you very well known whom to open up to. Telling the wrong people the right things is dangerous. You may end up giving up your birth right just like Esau did to Jacob.  

Even when you are investing in a friendship that may lead to possible dating, it’s very important to protect this young development from any possible attack.  It’s like, when a hen has chicks, she protects them from any possible danger including it’s owner.  This is because the chicks have no strength to take care of themselves. It’s the same with our relationships. Sometimes we need to learn on our own the true personality of the people we are involved with. It’s important to realize their full potential, their weaknesses and their strength. This helps us to build a strong foundation so that other people become irrelevant as far as a healthy relationship is concerned. You do not count on what other people think, but rather you are able to make your own judgements. 

Also note that for a relationship it is important to have a mentor couple to walk with us. A mentor couple is usually a couple who are older than you are and have a working relationship. They help guide you into the best decisions concerning your dating life.  A mentor couple should also be people you admire and look up to.  This way you learn as much as you can from them and you find a motivation to become better. 

So our main lesson today is to choose our friends wisely and protect them from any possible harm. Note that you can’t have too many confidants. They are normally few and stick close. Closer than  a brother. 


Dealing With Misunderstanding 

Arlene Ayirah 

Take a situation where you and your partner had a conflict.  Whether big or small. It could be he lied about something or he forgot your birthday. You know, any random thing. How do you deal with it?  Do you go on to speak your mind and explode with anger? This is what I think should be the case.  

I once again will talk about friendship. You see, when the relationship is based on genuine friendship the way of dealing with conflict becomes different from others. When your really good friend goes wrong, you don’t end the friendship and speak badly to them, do we? The same applies here. When a conflict arises in a relationship first of all it is wise to take time and pray about the issue at hand. Surrender that issue to God for Him to give you wisdom to handle it. Trust Him to provide every solution you need. Also from prayer you receive peace of mind and joy that is unexplainable from God. 

With this, it guarantees that whatever the issue, you will have the sober mind to handle it. This means that whatever decision you will be compelled to make will not be irrational and unacceptable. You therefore do not end up making hast decisions that you may regret. 

I know someone may think,…but she did this, he said that…he or she deserves whatever comes. This is not true,because come to think of it. Jesus died at the cross of Calvary without the complete assuarance that millions of people would receive Him. But He chose to die anyway. Even if one person was to get saved,Jesus would still have died.  We may not even deserve what He offered us but we have it anyway.  In the Lords prayer, we are told to forgive others so that God can forgive us. This tells us that regardless of what someone does we must be ready to forgive them. Don’t get me wrong,forgiving them is one thing and choosing to stay with that person is another. Am not advocating for break ups but some scenarios may need you to end things with the person you are dating. Bottom line is whatever decision you make, be sure in your heart that you have forgiven. 

When you are angry at your partner and you are arguing about something, and perhaps one of you says something to hurt the other, it’s not healthy for you to say something worse so as to hurt the other person.  Be the bigger one and stay calm. Take control of your feelings and make whatever action you take be counted as a mature move. Arguing and throwing words around never works. Maturity is not in age but it’s in the choices we make and the personality we wear as we deal with issues of life.

Learn to listen to your partner. Sometimes the issue is not usually what we think it is. There could be underlying matters that have built up frustration on one person. Always try to find the root of a problem and solve it. This way, the problem is solved for good and is not prone to come up in the future. Also let’s at all times admit when we are wrong and correct areas that needs to be corrected. This is wisdom. In proverbs we are taught  that only a fool refuses to be corrected. 

We can not always avoid conflict. It is therefore important to understand each other and find ways of not upsetting each other but rather correct one another with love.  True love and friendship is when you know your partners weaknesses but not use them against them no matter how much they have hurt or wronged you. 

Is It Our Money or My Money. 

Arlene Ayirah 

Hello people it’s been a few days since I last posted.  In case you were wondering, I was giving you all time to celebrate your Christmas.  I truly hope you had a happy Christmas full of love and merry making. So here’s is one to welcome you back to our daily talks.
We all get weird around this issue of money. But today I want us to be sober as we talk and think about this matter. In Genesis,the first thing that God gave man was work not a woman.  This tells us that in the set up of marriage it is important for a man to take charge and provide for his family. The woman also being a helper should organize herself to find a way of being helpful towards bringing up and sustaining her family. This is the basics of it all. 

In the dating world, many times the guy asks a lady out and he probably pays all the bills for the date.  From the uber to the dinner and he tops it up with some dessert before the night ends.  So maybe you are now officially dating and headed to marriage,ladies it is actually sweet when you take your partner out on a date as well. It’s not awkward. It’s actually really nice.  Many times ladies assume that because he paid for the first date then he might as well pay for all the other dates. Often, it causes a strain in the relationship. It could be on either side. The man may not be able to pay every time and the ladies may begin to feel guilty for not contributing. Subsequently in the dating life you end up not having  the conversation about money because you were not sure it should be a matter of discussion.  

It’s important to note that financial planning does not start when you say I do. It starts on the first date. Men love independent women.  One who can once in while pay for dates,make surprise plans and all those things that people in a relationships do.  Don’t get me wrong independence does not mean stepping on your man’s ego.  Just show him some appreciation for what he does and do it for him when you can and make it often. Men do not be too rigid. Allow your lady to spoil you once in a while. Chances are you will love what she comes up with. Ladies do a pretty good job at it.  

The conclusion of the matter is, a man therefore should assume full responsibility of being the main provider and the woman should render help to her husband in the same light. You mustn’t base your relationship on money because when the money disappears then it means the relationship comes to an end. Let money be a non issue. It’s important, I agree but do not let it be the dominant matter or the deciding factor for your relationship. Hope we shed light and you learnt a thing or two. Keep your opinions coming they are helpful.

Dealing With Heart Breaks 

Arlene Ayirah 

I know you wondering why am writing about heart breaks considering we are doing this the God way. If you are in a perfect God ordained relationship this is not for you. But if you know somewhere in your life you have messed up or been messed up and your heart has a wound, this is definitely for you. 

Heart breaks, Huh! Its as if someone is ripping your heart out of your chest. You want to ignore but it keeps ringing in your mind. Almost like a mini heart attack.  How do you deal with this? How do we get to be okay after being hurt? 

First of all you must admit that you are hurt.  Running away from it most times solves nothing. Accepting that we are hurt creates an atmosphere to receive healing. It’s like when your body is ailing with all symptoms present and we refuse to see a doctor for treatment. Admitting sets you free from yourself.  It allows you to be free from condemning yourself and asking yourself questions such as where did I go wrong? What is wrong with me? This way, you also get to keep your dignity and sanity intact. Your heart may be in pain but your state of mind is rational and focussed.

Secondly it’s okay to be sad.  You are allowed to cry. But hey, don’t push it. Don’t prolong or over do it. Ladies if you need a day or two to cry please do. It’s good therapy for yourself.  It is not a sign of weakness. Men it’s okay to be angry and feel used.  You can go for those long walks or intense work outs. This provides a kind of closure. It allows you to get over the person who hurt you so that you are not carrying baggage and a tonne of emotions in your next relationship.  So bottom line is you can be sad but you don’t have to beat yourself about it. 

Third…this I leave it open for discussion. Am not sure if you can or cannot keep gifts but I will share what I think. If keeping things will not be okay with you, getting rid of them could be a good idea. Why? Because we don’t want a scenario where you get into your house and the door mat reminds you of him or her, everything around you is reminding you that you were hurt.  It’s not cool at all.  Yes it is true you were hurt, but we don’t want to keep rubbing it in.  It creates an atmosphere of desperation.  Then as a result people get into rebound relationships that again fail. Deleting contacts and messages could be helpful too. This keeps you safe and healthy. 

People may argue about different reasons why gifts and contacts should be maintained but this is basically what I think. 

Sometimes we feel like we need an explanation as to why things ended. It’s important to talk about why a relationship did not work. This is because sometimes people need to know their mistakes so they can become better.  A fool refuses correction but a wise person takes it positively. This is all in reasonable context. 

This is totally me. After a relationship is over please just don’t call or text. It paints a picture of being desperate. Do not try to find out if the other person is also hurt or if they have moved on.  This many times just tortures one’s mind. Respect yourself enough to accept that there is nothing more you can do to change things. 

Lastly it’s important to give yourself time to heal and be okay.  Don’t rush to get into another relationship. Allow yourself to fall in love with yourself once more.  Be real with yourself and open yourself up for God to heal you. The best healer is God not your girlfriends and buddies.  Stick to God because He sticks closer than a brother. 

I leave you today with this, Decide to love someone no matter how ugly their truth is. 

Sanity in Personality 

Arlene Ayirah

Do we change who we are just to suit the person we are dating, or the person we are hoping to date? Most of us are going to quickly say a big “NO”. But really, think about it.Many times, we try to become another “perfect”version of who we already are. 

Why do we work so hard to impress the people we are in a relationship with? We try to make our partners see that we are the best of the best. Am not saying it is wrong, but if it has to make us change our entire lives then it’s worth is questionable. 

Who are you? What are you made of? What are your convictions? The very thing that defines you.  That should not at any point change.  The moment you start fixing the very things that make you then there’s a problem.  If you gonna spend the rest of your life with someone, then they got to be willing and ready to deal with you just as you are.  

Don’t get me wrong, change is inevitable and it happens whether we want it to happen or not. When circumstances come that force us to take a different toll on our lives then adapting to these changes is necessary. But I want us to change in this angle. Let’s tell God to search us and make us. Let’s put ourselves on an operation table literally for God to work on us.  Making is a continuous process. We are like buildings. If we are not under construction then we are being renovated.  We age with time and all we need is God’s Grace, Mercy,Direction and  Love.

I want the only motivation for us to change to be when God shows us the need to. When it is God directed then the changes are more or less perfect. Then we don’t struggle because it’s not about us but about God. He does all the work all we got to do is surrender.  

So lesson of the day is that, let’s not pretend to become what we really are not. Pretending is a full time job. Let’s be who we are. What we are meant to be. Whoever wants to date and marry you should be able to keep up with just what God made you to be, not what he or she wishes you were. This way they learn to appreciate what you are not what you are trying to become. Lets not allow any other thing define the standard of what we should be except God. You are beautiful and handsome because God says so not because someone else thinks so. Your identity is founded in God. Not in yourself or another person for that matter.


Taking Care of The Heart

Arlene Ayirah 

Many times the matters concerning our hearts are what either break us or build us. We must admit that sometimes we get ourselves in some situations and tell ourselves… I wonder how I got here. Truth is, we do know how we got there. We just do not want to admit. 

To begin with,  I love to say that falling in love is deliberate.  You can choose whom to fall in love with. This thing of people saying I don’t know how it happened, I just found myself loving him or her…i don’t agree.  It is deliberate. There are things that people do to make us get attracted to them. Right from these things they start depositing in us ideas and feelings that build up if not dealt with. 

So now, you develop feeling for a girl…as a guy you need to be clear about your intentions. If you want to date her, please let her know. Don’t lead her on or do things to make her feel special when you are not ready to commit. Ladies if you like a guy and you see some signs that you may date, do two things. One is stick around like Esther or Ruth in the Bible (this is one lesson u learnt from a man of God Pastor Psalm Sengo) Esther did not just become queen from the blues, she was divinely positioned. So was Ruth,she lay at the feet of Boaz. 

Positioning, ladies is very important.  As you position yourself you must set a standard.  A standard that this guy will have to keep up with if he should get you. Do not at any point lower your standards just so you can be able to accommodate him. Let him work for you, so that he can value you. Remember you as a lady are a treasure. Treasures are not found laying at the surface of the ground. You dig deep for it. 

As you do this most of all keep your eyes and focus on God. For direction. He shall direct you whether to date or invest in a friendship. Relating with people the right way is important. Sometimes God does not want you to date, He wants you to be friends. So keeping your focus on Him will help you determine what He wants for you. This subsequently leads to consistency.  Sticking with God always emits some positive reactions which will always be there as long g as you are with Him. 

So let’s take care of our hearts and remember to feed on God always so that in us, He is stronger. Let’s set a standard for ourselves and for the person who truly deserves the rest our lives after the “I do”.

Equipping Ourselves For Dating. 

Arlene Ayirah.

Being equipped is very necessary for a relationship to be  successful. I hope we all are looking at the larger picture here which is marriage. As long as you are in a relationship you have to think of marriage. It’s a requirement that you look at the long term. This makes more sense to people who are born again.

Therefore if we are equipping ourselves, we must be looking at making ourselves husband and wife material. I hope this is not confusing but in case it is, let’s go slow. When you get into a football pitch to play, you must have spent some time behind the scenes practicing, so that when you go to play you are very well able to perform. It’s the same being in a relationship.  

Before you take a partner to keep and move through life together with, you have to prepare yourself.  It starts first of all with you making yourself a better human being. Becoming confident and comfortable with yourself. Being in a position to fall in love with yourself, flaws and all.  This way you are at a better position to accommodate the other person. 

Reading books about relationships is another good way of preparing yourself.  Books are a source of knowledge and finding competent people with practical examples who have written books is a good way of gaining knowledge. 

I specifically want to urge us to read the Bible. Why the Bible you might ask? Because in the Bible we find perfect definitions and examples of love.  Pure love is expressed in different books by different people who loved God and we’re loved by God. Take David the King for instance. God describes him as a man after His heart. The book of Mathew 15:18 Says …. out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. If we therefore fill our hearts and minds with the word of God we subsequently begin to speak the word of God. In every situation our solutions will always come from the word of God which we continuously feed on. This tells me we must feed on what builds us and not what breaks us. Mathew 6:21 also says…for where your treasure is there will your heart also be. What you treasure is what takes the larger place in your heart. Treasure truth which is the word of God, and your heart shall always be found with Him. This way, you only connect with another person whose heart is connected to God. 

Don’t get me wrong but I wish we would stop deceiving ourselves with telenovelas,soap operas and other romantic movies. These things displayed are not always true.  That’s why they are acted to paint out a certain picture. Love is not a movie. Relationship is not about having a wicked sister or cousin who is in love with your “Alejandro ”  Let’s just stick to seeking God. Let’s be all over God’s business and I assure you this area of your life will blossom. 

I have a friend, Caren Blessing who says “God is not a careless Father .” And I agree with her. If you stick close to Him, pursue Him, study His word and serve Him diligently, He shall make available all the resources you need for dating and eventually marriage. 

The Dreaded No

Arlene Ayirah 

Think about that one person you really totally like and would want to keep them really close for the longest time possible.  Regardless of if it’s the male or female gender,NO is usually an unpleasant answer. When a guy likes a lady you find them asking themselves… “what if she says no.”

So let’s figure out how we can deal with this. First off I like telling people…its never that serious. Sometimes it is but really we can always survive in the toughest of situations.  If you ever get a NO from a lady, I would advice 2 things. First find out if the lady is playing hard to get,and if she is,pursue her because you will eventually conquer. Ladies love to be chased and men were created to chase.  It’s in their nature.  Two if she really is not interested it’s simple, accept and move on. Never force a lady to date you.  It’s just not right and it makes you look desperate and intolerable.

Sometimes, ladies make guys do the craziest of things. But guys, you don’t always have to say yes because you love her. It’s okay to say NO.  It shows that you are responsible and you are in control first of your life and of that relationship.  

Women like to be led. They like being showed the way.  This is a topic for another day.

So let’s learn to say no to what we really are not ready for and also learn to accept the answer no.  

Defining Relationships. 

Arlene Ayirah 

I have had friends who told me that they think they are dating but it’s not official.  This statement that people use “We are just friends” I find it unfair. How do you treat a lady or a gent as if he or she is your partner but then you are not committing to the idea of being in a relationship. 

Here is what I think we should do.  Well for me it’s important that as a guy you take charge and have that talk.  I know there’s a tendency of people sticking to friendship so that they can be certain the other party likes them too. It’s not right because many times people end up getting hurt.  You make someone imagine that there’s something between you when there’s nothing. 

Men if u like a lady let them know, initiate the talk and get to know if you two have a chance. Other than acting sweet and making them have imaginations. 

It’s very important to define what it is you are doing. Are you sticking to friendship or are you building a friendship that will lead to a relationship. This talk is important.  Ladies always wait for the man to lead the talk don’t start it.  It’s their role thats why they are heads. 

The Dating Art

Arlene Ayirah

I call dating an art because it is the practicality of what we want in future and what Christ has taught us.  For me dating is a gate to marriage.  So this means that if you are not dating for marriage you are in the wrong place. 

Previously we said that purpose is a motivation for getting into a relationship.  So if my purpose complements the other person’s purpose then we are good to go. If not well, we got something to work on. 

So here we are dating, and everything checks out and one morning one person wakes up and they just feel no longer in love. What happens then?Do you break up? With your purposes as the driving force you will have something to hold on to. With an investment of friendship between you two, you will find a reason to stay. 

So then what does this mean?  Feelings flactuate. They come and go and if the feelings are the only reason you are in a relationship am sorry to say but it is likely to fail.  

I want to leave you thinking about something.  How many people have you ever liked or had a crash on? Given the chance would you really be okay spending the rest of your life with them based on the crash alone?

Let’s talk about how we can handle crashes in the next piece. 

See you then and share this with as many people as you can think about.